


Stephen Colbert is the Avengers' Favorite Interviewer

by TheoMiller



Series: something bigger [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bisexuality, Coming Out, Homophobia, Politics, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Racism, Sexism, mentions of - Freeform, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-01
Updated: 2014-08-01
Packaged: 2018-02-11 09:27:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2062833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheoMiller/pseuds/TheoMiller
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or, the one where Captain America comes out on the Colbert Report.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stephen Colbert is the Avengers' Favorite Interviewer

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for brief mentions of the Holocaust.
> 
> For those of you who get your news from places other than Comedy Central (first off, WHY?), Stephen Colbert is a satirist reporter who pretends to be every conservative stereotype ever.

“You know, it’s always an honour to meet an American icon,” Colbert said. Then, “But enough about me – it’s great to meet you.”

Steve’s lips twitched, but he kept a mostly straight face. “I see you’re a fan. That’s a full size replica of my shield, isn’t it?”

Colbert glanced back at the shield hanging on his wall, then turned back with a grin. “Do you want to try it out?” he asked.

“Sure,” said Steve.

To great cheering, Colbert went to fetch the shield and offered it to Cap, who hefted it experimentally. “All right,” he said, backing up. “Throw something at me.”

Colbert reached beneath his desk and pulled out a stapler. “You sure about this?” he asked.

Steve glanced at the audience. “You might want to move,” he advised the nearest few, and got titters in response. “All right,” he nodded to Colbert, who happily lobbed the stapler right at Steve’s head.

The shield crashed into the stapler and sent it flying in pieces across the stage. The shield was spider-webbed with cracks and Steve winced.

“You’re replacing that,” Colbert said, but he was grinning.

“Actually…” said Cap, “I’ve got one with me, I left it with one of your backstage—ah, there it is,” he said, when one jogged out carrying a shield.

“Did you come here planning to break my shield?” Colbert asked.

Steve huffed a laugh. “I thought you’d like a new one, but then you offered…”

“What’ll happen if I throw a stapler at this one?” Colbert asked.

“Tony assures me it’ll work almost as well as mine. I mean, I don’t know about bullets, but it’ll stop staplers. Tell you what, you hold it, and I’ll throw something at it. You won’t have to move, just hold on.”

“Uhh…” Colbert glanced at his arm muscles and raised his eyebrows. “You sure?”

“Just a light toss,” Steve promised.

He peeked around the edge of the shield, but braced it in front of him. Steve lobbed the largest bit of broken stapler at the shield and hit it directly on the center. It clanged dully and clattered to the floor.

“Whoa,” said Colbert. “That was so _cool_.”

“I’m glad,” Steve replied, setting the broken shield delicately on the desk while Colbert hung the new one up in place of it. “So,” he said, “You sent me a list of questions so I could prep an answer?”

“Right!” Colbert said, and slid into the opposite chair.

Steve pulled out a carefully folded piece of paper. “The only one on the paper says ‘how does it feel to be a traitor to America?’”

“Yes,” said Colbert solemnly.

“I gotta admit, none of the other news anchors have had the courage to use those words. You’re referring to me leaking SHIELD’s records, right?”

“Yeah, and working with the Soviets to do it.”

Steve ducked his head to hide a grin before he sobered up and answered. “Natasha and I had to expose Hydra. It was the only way to stop them from ever trying something like this again. Maybe if that part of history hadn’t been erased last time Hydra struck, it never would’ve gotten this far.”

“So you’re saying it’s your fault,” Colbert said, totally deadpan.

“Absolutely,” said Steve. “You know, all that time I spent in the ice, I was really controlling the writing in every history book. That’s why, in addition to leaving out that the US performed dangerous experiments on human subjects and that Hydra even _exists_ , none of them talk about the Howling Commandoes not being all white, or how integral Peggy Carter was to the war effort, or how in addition to innocent Jewish people, there were Roma peoples and disabled people and homosexual people victimized by the Holocaust. _Or_ how the homosexual victims were further prosecuted after the Holocaust ended, and even made to continue their ‘sentences’.

“It’s all part of my plan to conserve American values: exclude information and outright lie to make it seem like everything is _fine_ , no prejudice or superheroes here.”

Someone whooped, and then the crowd was cheering wildly, and Steve blushed.

“So, what, now you’re stumping for gay rights? Have you stooped so low?” Colbert asked.

Steve shrugged. “Figure people shouldn’t have to deal with discrimination based on things they can’t change.”

“So you think – you don’t think people choose to be gay?” But Colbert was grinning, anticipating Steve’s answer.

“Stephen—is it all right if I call you Stephen?” Steve asked. “Stephen, I grew up as an under-sized poor orphan in 1920’s Brooklyn with multiple health issues and disabilities. Do you really think I chose to be bisexual? Like _that_ would make my life easier.”

This time it was a scream from the audience – more of a squeal, really, and then then the cheering was downright deafening.

Stephen Colbert positively _beamed_ while they waited for the crowd to quiet down a bit. “To, uh,” he broke off when the cheering surged again, “To be clear, did you just come out on my show?”

“I believe I did,” Steve said.

“Captain Steven Rogers, ladies and gentlemen!”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I have an ebook out now, about the original character for whom this AO3 account is named. Check it out here, and I'll update it when it's available on more platforms: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/neonpineapple


End file.
